Trouble Comes in Threes
by FarGreenCountrySwiftSunrise
Summary: Bilbo Baggins day starts off with a beautiful woman walking into his shower and it is not as pleasant as it sounds. Of course, the day gets worse from there. One-Shot. College AU. Fem!Thorin. Fem!Bofur. Fem!Dwalin. Bagginshield.


Trouble Comes in Threes

Summary: Bilbo Baggins day starts off with a beautiful woman walking into his shower and it is not as pleasant as it sounds. Of course, the day gets worse from there. One-Shot. College AU. Fem!Thorin. Fem!Bofur. Fem!Dwalin. Bagginshield.

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Some idiot had left the shower running in one of the stalls of the co-ed community bathroom. "Killing the planet, all of you," Bilbo muttered as he stepped into the stall. The water was pleasantly hot.

Bilbo had just put shampoo in his curly hair when the shower curtain snapped open. He squeaked and covered his private parts. "I'm using this shower!"

"No, I am," a female voice said.

Bilbo squinted as he wanted to avoid soap in his eyes. A tall, dark haired woman stood in a towel outside his shower, her face turning more and more pink. Bilbo said, "No, I really am using this shower. Some idiot left the shower on so I took it."

"I'm that idiot," she said, growling, "I left my shampoo in my room. Get out."

"No," Bilbo said as he snapped the curtain shut.

The woman opened the curtain again. "Get. Out."

"Not a chance. I will throw shampoo at you."

"No you won't."

Bilbo squirted some shampoo into his hand and threw it at the woman, hitting her dark hair. "See? I did. OUT!"

The woman squinted as she touched the shampoo in her hair and shrugged. She closed the curtain and Bilbo could hear another shower turn on.

"Insane. Completely and utterly insane with no manners," Bilbo muttered to himself.

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Bilbo was infinitely grateful to the powers that be that he had Bofur to tell all of his woes to. They sat in one of the campus coffee shops. Bilbo aggressively drank his tea as he told Bofur the tale of his shower intruder.

"So the woman told you to get out of the shower when you were butt-naked?" Bofur said.

"YES!" Bilbo said, "Bofur, as my resident expert on women, am I missing something?"

Bofur snorted and pushed back one of her pigtails braids. "Not all women are the same, moron. Though by general consensus, that woman is completely and utterly out of her mind."

Bilbo threw back his hands to gesture his thanks and smacked someone in the head. He spun around. "I am so sorry. I didn't mean to…"

The shower intruder turned around and glared at Bilbo. "We meet again, shorty."

Bilbo squawked. "Not all of us are freaking Valkyrie! I'm not dumb enough to purposefully hit a Valkyrie!"

The woman rolled her eyes. "It was barely a hit."

"Listen, I am sorry about hitting you. I could buy you a coffee to…"

"Don't think about it," another woman said who sat across from the shower intruder. She had tattoos on her hands and face and a Mohawk.

"Ah, Dwalin, love, wonderful to see you," Bofur said with a wink.

Dwalin rolled her eyes. "Bofur, tell him to shove off."

Bilbo protested. "I didn't mean to…"

"Shove. Off," Dwalin said.

Bilbo sighed and turned away from the two women. He dropped his voice to a whisper. "You know them?"

"Aye, that is Thorin Durinson and Dwalin Durinson. The two of them are cousins who are cousins of Nori. First is the head of the fencing, archery, and harpists clubs. Second is the head of the boxing, judo, and punk-rock clubs."

"Wouldn't that last be contradictory to the underlying anarchistic philosophy of punk?" Bilbo said.

"IT'S NOT! We may not like authority, but we can be organized!" Dwalin said.

"I'm having a private conversation here," Bilbo said.

"It's not private if it's about us," Dwalin said.

"I give up," Bilbo said as he stood up," I'll see you later, Bofur. I have to go. Send my love to the rest."

"Will do, love," Bofur said as Bilbo gave a European air kiss to her. Bilbo could have sworn Thorin glared at Bofur as he left the shop.

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Bilbo was glad that he had one of the last seats on the bus he took in the afternoon from Rivendell College to the main Arda campus. Rivendell was a subset of Arda University, but had a better linguistics department. Arda had the better history department. Bilbo lived on Arda campus, but took many of classes in Rivendell.

As the bus began moving, a person fell on Bilbo's lap. "Oh, dear me. I am terribly sorry," Bilbo said.

"We seem to be cursed to continue meeting in such circumstances," Thorin sighed.

Bilbo spluttered. "Excuse me."

Thorin adjusted herself and put her arm around Bilbo's shoulder. "We need to talk."

"Now is not the best time," Bilbo said, "I could invite you to tea along with your rather scary friend."

The corners of Thorin's mouth lifted into a smirk. "You think Dwalin is scary?"

"Have you seen her? Anyone with that many tattoos obviously has a high pain tolerance. That is a person to be reckoned with."

"But not the fact that she could easily beat you fifty ways to Sunday?"

"Well, I would assume she would know when and when not to pummel someone if she is in charge of other fighters."

"And what of me? Are you scared of me?"

"No." The bus stopped. They paused their conversation until the bus started up again.

Thorin raised an eyebrow. "No?"

"No. I mean, you could, how did you say, beat me fifty ways to Sunday, but you don't frighten me."

"I have lots of tattoos too, just not as visible as Dwalin's. Does that frighten you?"

"Gives me a bit more respect for you, yes. But I've seen you embarrassed so…" Bilbo shrugged.

"I have not been embarrassed," Thorin growled.

Bilbo rolled his eyes. "Please. You turned bright red in the bathroom and not because of the steam. You looked ready to bolt the entire time we talked in the coffee shop. Right now, you keep squirming while we're talking. Unless you want to make this _really_ awkward, I would request that you please stop it."

Thorin stilled and tightened her grip on Bilbo's shoulder. "My apologies. Thorin Durinson."

"Bilbo Baggins."

The bus came to a halt. "This is my stop," Thorin said.

"Have a good day," Bilbo said.

Thorin looked ready to say something, but instead gave a shy smile that made Bilbo feel giddy. As Thorin trudged along the snow covered sidewalk, Bilbo pressed play on his phone to listen to music. "There She Goes" started playing.

"Really? Really?" Bilbo muttered to himself.

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Towards the end of April, Professor Gandalf Grey decided to throw a party using Bilbo's parents' home. No one quite knew where Professor Grey lived. Rumor had it he lived in a van or a mansion depending on who told the tale. In actuality, Gandalf Grey lived with four other professors in one house. They had been roommates in college and had never bothered splitting up when they had all become professors at Arda University.

Bilbo was quite befuddled by all of the guests, some he recognized and some he did not. His parents said it would be a small gathering and Bilbo only had to provide some small snacks. Of course, while Mr. and Mrs. Baggins went around the globe, they managed to leave out a few details including how a snack for a good portion of the athletics department was anything but a small detail.

There was a late comer. Bilbo opened the door muttering about jocks when he found Thorin standing on his doormat. She gave that smirk that Bilbo had unintentionally been thinking about for the past few weeks. "Evening, Baggins."

"Evening, Durinson," Bilbo said. He took Thorin's hand and kissed it, causing the woman to blush. "And what, good ma'am, is your reason for your visit?"

Gandalf sauntered over. "Ah, so you have met. Well, now we can get down to business."

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A student named Smaug had stolen some valuable artifacts from Erebor College's collection of maps. (It was a Geography and Geology school connected with Arda.) They could not prove Smaug did it, but if the maps were not found by the end of the semester, the various Durinsons who worked at Arda University could lose their jobs. The reason for the party taking place at the Baggins' home was to see if Bilbo would be willing to help them by sneaking into Smaug's family's private collection. (Mr. and Mrs. Baggins already approved of the mad scheme.)

Bilbo sat on the floor of his mother's study as he thought it over. A knock on the door proceeded Thorin entering and sitting on the floor next to Bilbo. "I don't want you pressured to do anything you would feel uncomfortable doing."

"I'm not comfortable with a lot of things. I am very much a homebody. I mean, my house is only twenty minutes from campus. I studied in France for a semester and Spain for another, but that is as adventurous as I get."

Thorin shrugged. "What does your girlfriend think?"

"What girlfriend?" Bilbo asked.

Thorin huffed. "Bofur."

Bilbo laughed so hard he fell into a sprawl.

"What? WHAT?" Thorin said as she knelt over Bilbo and shook his shoulders.

"Me and Bofur?" Bilbo snorted. "We would kill each other if we dated. We are great as friends, but we've never been interested in each other."

"So… you're not… you're not dating? But you kissed each other's cheeks."

"Those were air kisses. We studied in France together: Bofur for art and me for French," Bilbo said.

"Oh," Thorin said. She hovered close to his face.

Bilbo put a reassuring hand on the back of Thorin's neck. She darted forward to press a quick kiss to his lips, half-missing his mouth. Thorin kissed him lightly twice more before pulling back to look at Bilbo's eyes.

He smiled up at her. "Not bad. I think I could use some practice. Mind helping me?"

Thorin laughed before complying.

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Of course, Bilbo came along to help reclaim Erebor's artifacts. The Company saved the day. Bilbo and Thorin lived happily together to the end of their days, despite their tempestuous start.

THE END

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A/N: I wrote this fic for two reasons. 1. I wanted more awkward college-aged Bilbo/Thorin reactions beyond what my long-fic, Must Have Done Something Right, could provide me. 2. There is a criminal lack of Bilbo/Female Thorin fics out there. I felt the need to rectify it as it is a fun idea. (Bilbo can be quite smooth when he is not embarrassed, thank you.)


End file.
